Use of shame based language (Al Coates Presentation)
‘Why did you do that?’
‘I don’t know why you are upset’
It is important to connect with children, avoid why questions as they are accusational. Children need to experience repairing relationships.
Positive language alternatives:
How can I help you?
I can see this is hard for you
Can you use a softer voice?
Please be gentle
Take a deep breath
It is okay to feel sad
These are better terms than calm down and stop crying.
Look at the 3 Rs (Bruce Perry) (Regulate you – to remove frustration so you are ready to deal with the situation, regulate them and relate – empathise, to allow the child to reconnect, then reason for solutions)
1 in 14 experience physical abuse
1 in 20 children have been sexually abused
1 in 10 experience neglect
1 in 5 experience domestic abuse (see the abuse, hear abuse from another room, see caregivers injuries or distress afterwards). Be hurt of being nearby or trying to stop the abuse (NSPCC, 2019).
Below are some approaches to addressing adversity and building supportive communities Martin-Denham, S. and Watts, S. (2019) SENCO Handbook: Leading Provision and Practice. London: Sage Publishers.